Change is not always a bad thing.

Today, as is so often the case nowadays, my brain has decided that it will not allow me to focus until it is the most awkward possible moment in time. In my numerous hours of unproductiveness today, I found myself reading various articles about student life, following the moment I remembered something that had been mentioned to me last weekend. After reading about 20 articles about random things, I came across an article about 10 ways university changes people. I didn’t actually think the ways they mentioned people would change were entirely valid but that is just my opinion. Regardless of how valid the article may or may not have been, it got me thinking about whether university has actually changed me already. I know I am less than half way through my course but I can’t help but thinking that it has changed me, even this early on. I think it is hard for such a unique experience not to change you. I am not talking unique in the sense that I am the only one who is going through this, but in the sense that I don’t think there is another experience in my life that has ever been similar and I doubt there ever will be.

While I do think I am largely the same person I was when I went off to university bright eyed and bushy tailed over a year ago, I think there are little things about me that have changed and I actually like the change. I say that I have changed in the last year and a bit, but I think the real changes have been since September. Well… October really. I don’t think I changed much in the first year at all. I stayed in my shell just a little too much for the full effect of university to take hold. I certainly learned things but whether those things changed me as a person… I am not so sure.

I think one of the biggest changes since the start of this term has been how easily I interact with people. I still struggle some of the time but for the most part I can work around that. I think at some point it just clicked that the things that some people find weird about me are also the things that have drawn my closest friends to me. This term in particular has shown me that actually, I am not so weird that I just push people away. I also realised that while I feel awkward with socialising, I can actually do it quite well and public speaking is not actually something I entirely suck at. This is probably a good thing since the career I want has a massive element of public speaking. I mean… the future elected dictator.. I mean… Prime Minister of England needs to be able to speak well.

This is going to sound bad until I word it properly, but another big change I have noted in myself is not caring what people think. This is not what it sounds like. Of course I still care what my close friends think of me and the people I care about but for a long time, I cared far too much about what people who meant nothing to me thought. This has always been a problem of mine. I still do care a little. I will get twinges in seminars or randomly in the street and have a moment of panic about what some stranger is thinking about me, even though it doesn’t matter at all. In my mind, I have to present myself well for everybody, even if I will never encounter them again. As I said, that is getting better now but I still have some way to go. I doubt it will ever fade entirely.

On an unrelated note to change, I have just changed my room in the only way it can actually be changed. I am not sure if this is allowed under my contract but I do not recall reading anything about not being allowed to move furniture, so I am going on the assumption that if I can move it, it is allowed. Up until this evening, I had not used my desk for work at all. It had just been there collecting the crap in my room that I had not found another place for. If I do not organise things properly, my room has a horrible habit of becoming ridiculously cluttered. Back to the direct topic of change: I am used to being able to rearrange my room in numerous ways back at home. It is actually a very common thing for me to take a look around my room and just go: “I think I want my room in an entirely different way.” It normally involves me moving everything and my guardians coming back and just looking around in confusion. They have no issue with it though, as long as nothing breaks. Everything in my room up at uni now has been depressingly stationary. Pretty much everything is in the only place it can actually go. The reason I moved my bookcase today was because it has been across my bedroom from the desk since the start of term and in my mind that doesn’t make sense. Since each of my textbooks weighs about the same as a small child, I have been working on my bed most days to minimise the amount I have to carry them. I know this is taking my laziness a bit far but oh well. Now things are sorted. My room is reorganised (sort of) and I can work.

This is obviously going to sort all of my laziness problems…

~Fraxi x

I think I might talk about things I have learnt at university in my next post. I just think this post is too long now to talk about what I have learnt too.


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